Michael A. Broaddus and who he is to me.

 My brother, Michael, is a person of immense heart.  

I will take some care to continue to say “is”, as opposed to was.  I know and accept that his body has ceased to be the vessel of his spirit, but everything that he is, and loves, and wishes to protect is very much alive.  This includes his chosen and found family, which happens to include much of his blood family.  This includes his wife, Michelle.  Despite recent struggles and conflict, which so many adult relationships face over time, he never expressed anything other than esteem, respect, a deep and abiding gratitude, and deep love for the woman who gave him many gifts.  Especially those of his children, Cole and Damien. 

I was going to mention his Work, Church and his SCA family, but you are all included in the Chosen family.  With Mike, if you let him love you, he loves you.  And he always loves you.  He might get angry with you, or feel deeply hurt by you.  He might even be driven so far, as to cut you out of his life, or keep you at arm’s length.  I know.  Of all the people that have hurt him, I am certain that I am in the top 5. Mike feels everything….EVERYTHING…deeply.  And the more he pretends to be Zen, or indifferent, the more it actually hurts. And he is not lying to you, or me.  He is lying to himself, because in that moment, the hurt is too much for him to face, and still function.  It is the simplest of compartmentalization.  Mike always keeps it simple, like his cheeseburgers.  Cheese, Burger, Bread, Ketchup.  He has often been trapped in time, spiritually, as the boy who just wants to tinker, and create, and play with his buddies.  

He always wants people to feel valued and seen. I imagine you are here today, because you feel seen by my Brother’s heart.  It is no wonder to me that his physical heart is the thing that failed him, because the metaphorical one has already loved the amount of 10 lifetimes.  With that, unfortunately, comes the hurt of 10 lifetimes, as well.  And in the occasional moment of despair, over and throughout his years, he would occasionally wallow in his hurt.  And yet, he always returns to love.  He always forgives people who genuinely express regret, and even many who never have. Though he sometimes decides to no longer trust or grant access to an individual.  His love is unconditional, but his willingness to be abused is finite.  So if feel that you may currently be on poorer terms with Mike, don’t fret.  There is always an exit to purgatory.  If you feel touched by his love and his light, express any of your regret in a meaningful way; by channelling him into your difficult interactions, or simply doing something you otherwise wouldn’t have.  Do whatever it is because it is the right thing to do….especially if the reason you are reluctant to, is that you feel hurt or vindictive about the person or situation you are facing.  Then you will have worn his shoes for a moment.  And in that moment or instance of realization, you will likely feel guilt or regret for the thing you did, or didn’t do, that hurt him. And the second that pang hits your heart, let it go, because in that instance, he will, too.  You are absolved.  If you hang on to it after that, that is on you.  

As a person who loves Mike, and is Loved by Mike, I need to take a moment to roast him a bit.  I am making him sound a little too saintly, and as a middle child, I am beginning to feel a little unseen in the glare of his radiance.  So I might say a few things that one might interpret as “Speaking ill of the dead.”.  Should one take offense, Understand that they are behaving out of turn.  As stated, my Brother is alive.  Whether or not you believe in the concept of Deity or Providence, or otherwise, Mike’s energy and “spirit” are unique.  Energy and matter are neither created, nor destroyed. They are converted.  Like the wave that falls back into the ocean, or evaporates and becomes rain, and the river, or is used to turn Carbon gas and sunlight into a mighty tree, and a lungful of air, Mike’s energy and Spirit is why everyone is gathered today.  He lives in his children, in all of our memories, all of our hearts, and is part of our universe.  He helped build thousands of guitars that play millions of songs, and touch millions of people, for better or worse.  Nothing I am about to say or reveal is a secret, and all of it I have said to his face, more than once.  So if you really are feeling as sensitive as Mike often does, you can pretend that I’m making the “Kidding Face”.

Many of us are keenly aware that Mike, is at times, what my mother so often refers to as a butthead.  He can also be an overly sensitive, big sucky baby about the oddest things.  Often, the thing he is upset at you about is as much his own fault as anyone’s.  He loves to tell people not to get so “Butt Hurt” about stuff, often while positioning his metaphorical prostate donut cushion.  He’s miserable, and also a misery to endure, when he is sick.  If he feels offended by something, he is grumpy and bitchy three days longer than your average 13 year old, who is having a tough week at school.  He also likes to tease, and sometimes forgets to quit.  As the primary person on whom he sharpened his skills, I can tell you that the first time or two that he decides to target you, whether or not you deserve it, it can still feel rough, and even seem out of character.  It isn’t though.  I realized that this is Mike’s test for the inner circle.  He is saying “I feel comfortable with you.”  Don’t believe me?  I am sure that Mike has made off-color remarks about your race, gender, sexual proclivity and taste, background, family, geographical origin, socio-economic status, faith, hobbies, sports preferences, taste in music, or anything else that might be considered taboo or too personal.  He makes remarks that could get a public figure cancelled, even before the current climate of ignorant permissiveness toward Bigots and Fascists. 

I hope you really hear this.  When Mike is at his most inappropriate, he is saying that he loves you and trusts you so much that he feels comfortable behaving like that, knowing you will understand that it is not meant to hurt you. He shares with you the weird and dark things which live inside his brain, even the ones we all know are wrong.  He feels comfortable and trusting enough to turn off his filters.  I figured this out, because on the occasions I saw him cross the line, and get confronted about something, I saw the genuine remorse and concern in his eyes and actions, as he fell all over himself to try to make it right.  With Mike, vulnerability is a compliment, so the more damaging, or unseemly, or personal the thing he shares is, the greater his love and trust is.      

Many of us worried about something like this.  It is a bit of a Family tradition that neither of us wished to keep.  We broke the tradition of being absent or abusive Fathers.  We broke the tradition of substance abuse and untreated mental health issues.  I will continue to strive toward making it well past my 50’s, in my physical body.  We also tried to break the tradition of internalizing everything.  This is a work in progress.  He has inadvertently assisted me in reaching the next level on this journey.  I became aware of my own mortality at a fairly young age.  Especially for a white American male.  The latest revelation is that regardless of when I go, the amount of time I have left with the people in my life that I cherish, and love and want to be around, or interact with, might only be countable in seconds, or minutes or hours.  I may manage to live another 50 years, but I live 2500 miles away, and haven’t hugged any of you since 2013.  I wasn’t even able to come home for this!  I am so sorry that I wasn’t prepared to rush to you when I might be of help.  Even just to hold your hands and cook garbage snacks, and share jokes and reflections that a lot of people would think are a bit too dark.  I am sad about this.

What I am not sad about is that I spoke to Mike recently.  We were good with each other.  We both said and heard “I love you.”, and meant it.  If your last words on this earth to someone you love is the expression thereof, it is more of a comfort than I can even express.  I know how rare a thing that is.  I didn’t get that with my Dad.  I didn't get that with my buddy Adam, who passed away a few years ago at age 43.  I’ve lost several Marine Brothers to Suicide and Wars that serve little purpose other than enriching Billionaire Criminals.  

I promise to improve my skills in the coming years, making all of you uncomfortable by letting you know that I love you, whenever we say goodbye, be it the next time, or the last time until whatever is next.  Whether you believe Mike to be in Heaven, Valhalla, the cold ground, the ether, the universe, or another dimension, Mike is also still here.  How long, and in what way he lives on, in this world, is up to us.  Please help me take care of my brother, Michael and continue to reflect his love and warmth to those around you.  He deserves our very best effort, and it is exactly what our world needs.  

Dan Broaddus