GETTING CUSTOMER SERVICED[Yes, that kind of Serviced] and Complaining ad an art form.

    A week or two ago, a Customer reached out to me with a product inquiry, about a CO2 gas regulator.  They wanted to know how much gas it could move.  This is, in my opinion, a pretty simple, fundamental question about any commercial-grade, Mechanical device: what sort of performance can I get out of this item?  Will it do what I need it to do?  

    Most technical questions are not new.  Someone has already done the math and/or the science.  Someone has the data.  Someone engineered the device to perform to a particular set of parameters[we hope].  I thought"I should just call the manufacturer, and ask.  My counterpart there will surely be able to rattle this off, by heart, or have the data readily at hand."  Buckle up.  I thought wrong, on several levels.

    First, this manufacturer was somewhat recently acquired by a large conglomerate.  The informational insert, that came with the product, had a phone number on it which no longer works.  I had to look up the company, on line, find out who owned them now, and then had to research how to make the inquiry.  2 Websites, one Phone Bot that twice misdirected me, and 2 humans later, I had been issued a ticket #, and was told that the "Engineers" would be asked about this most basic and fundamental specification, and someone would get back to me.  Just to be safe, I expounded on the question, asking "How much gas can pass through the regulator, in most conditions, before it begins to freeze up and malfunction?

    Okay.  This is the reality of modern Corporate Megalith Conglomerates: Buy everything, and then ignore all your customers, because hey, where are they gonna go?  "Just breath." I tell myself.

Lo and behold, they did get back to me the following business day:

Dear D. Broaddus,

We would like to acknowledge your recent inquiry. 

Description:  

Looking for information Part#"12345" primary gas regulator 

no particular serial number for this . 

Ticket Number: #######

To view the status of the activity or add comments, please visit 

https://FaclessConglomerateMonopoly.com/support/tickets/public/..................................................et cetera

Sincerely,

FaclessConglomerateMonopoly Support Team

You can now reach us via Live Chat at YourInquiryIsVeryImportantToUsReally.FUCK-off-please. 

Later that evening:  [my inside thoughts]

    Upon further research in regard to cfm, the team is not able to give me definitive answer. Um...Really?  A whole team, as well?  Not one fucking shred of a clue?  No one understands this product, which has been in production for over 40 years, relatively unchanged in design and function?  [mouth is hanging agape, at this point, in utter shock.]

As per team, usually each section of the system should have its own regulator. to ensure adequate co2 pressure. Please express my deepest gratitude to The Team for man-splaining fundamental Beverage Dispense to one of the Master Jedi of Draught Beer.  Tell them that I sincerely wish them to enjoy "customer servicing" their own faces. 

The carbonator should have its own, a maximum of 2 on one 0 to 160 regulator, each set of bib pumps on their own and so fort. Why are they assuming that this is for a Soda/Fountain application, especially since the regulator is a 60 PSI max regulator.  They seem unaware, but people use these for purposes other than driving Pneumatic syrup pumps.  Ignorance is bliss, I guess. [Oh, and are we talking a Box Fort or a Pillow Fort?  I know it's just a typo, but 

When it comes to larger systems so as to keep up with co2 volume a bulk co2 tank is what's often recommended. Indeed, by people like me.  However, not every market can support this method, so please just do a little math, and answer my fucking question. Or better yet, call the old guy, who you forced out after the merger while "trimming the fat" of legacy costs, because guess what, he has the answer.  Knows it by heart.  You see his 1, big salary as too much, but you have replaced him with a Team.  I assume that your team is at least 3-5 people.  I can't imagine they are actually less expensive than the one guy you replaced with them.  Oh, and they are, collectively 1/3 as effective, capable, and knowledgeable. 

A 50 or 25lbs tank is for a much smaller system and will tend to freeze up under heavy usage.  Holy shit.  Some actually relevant information!  By the time I am reading this, I had already reverse engineered the answer as a refrigeration problem, rather than a function of CFM.  In fact, I would wager that this thought was subliminally trigger by the way I phrased my question.  Although, be careful with those 25 Lb tanks, because they are usually filled with a Welding blend of 25%  CO2 and 75% Argon.  Beverage Cylinders are 14 oz, 2.5#, 5#, 10#, 20#, 50#[Hey, you got one!], and 100#.  Have you paid off those Student loans yet?    

Hopefully you find this information informative. hk  H.K, you have no idea.  I realize that you, yourself are not a beverage tech.  The part of the transaction you handled was done flawlessly, and with superb professionalism, and warmth.  Even if you genuinely were wishing doom and curses on me, I believed you care.  You SpongeBob'ed the fuck out of that whole thing.  I am sooo sorry the Idiots you spoke to are probably making twice what you do to be less than half as helpful or relevant.  I hope and pray that you manage to move up or out, and find the satisfaction of getting what you deserve out of life.  Thanks.  

    Remember, that is my inside voice. Mr. H.K. is not the individual responsible for the ridiculous internal bureaucracy he serves.  I did respond, however.  I cut this directly from my Email.  I responded directly and I shared what I had learned.

Hello Mr K*******,

          Thank you again for your attempt at helping me out,  You did great, but I am a little disappointed in the response from the Tech Team at FaclessConglomerateMonopoly[FCM].  I ended up getting my answer in a different way, as thankfully, I am a Lateral/parallel thinker, rather than linear.  

    Please feel free to share with your team the response I gave my Customer.  This customer, BTW, is one of the larger consumers of this product in Canada.  They Purchase approximately 1000 FCM regulators a year, mostly Primary.  

This is what I sent my customer:

    I am still awaiting an official response from FCM, but I decided to approach it as a CO2/refrigeration Question instead of a engineering/Fluid dynamics question.  Here is what I have learned:

• Regulator freezing is a result of the CO2 acting as a refrigerant, as it expands from High Pressure, Hi Temp Liquid/Gas mixture, to a Lower Pressure, Low temp gas/solid mixture. 

o CO2 ends up expanding and self-refrigerating twice, effectively super-cooling Itself.  

o Pressure loss between set point, and sustained high flow is usually about 30%.  This contributes to rapid gas expansion in the top of the CO2 vessel, and within the regulator.

o The rapid pressure drop, and resulting gas expansion, in the downstream side of the regulator, causes a refrigeration effect which can instantly create Dry-Ice-Snow in the regulator, and even in the tank, if severe enough.   

• The higher the temperature of the resting cylinder, the more likely freezing will occur, as the refrigeration is more a mechanic of pressure differential, than anything else.

• The amount of heat one must apply, between a cylinder and regulator, to ensure against freezing, is around 200 watts/100 scfh. This is a rate of around 5 kegs/hr, in Beer Dispense terms.  

o 200 watts is a Worst case.  Icing and freezing might occur sooner.  To be safe, I would count on only half of that rate, which would be around 4.5 GPM or 17.4LPM. or about 7 Oz/second.   

• A 200 watt, in-line heater or Heat exchanger, between the tank and the Regulator, can prevent this issue.

In terms of practical calculation, I would install heaters, or use multiple tanks or Accumulator/ Storage tanks, at any location that is likely to be pouring from 3 or more stations, at the same moment, on a regular or continual basis.  3 max is a good rule of thumb for any component in Beverage, as this is where Beverage pump capacity begins to top out, as well.  Call it 2 Busy bars, and one slower one.

I will still pass along the other info, once I have it, or can calculate it, but really, without a heater, this is most gas you can safely expect to move before experiencing performance issues.  And Counter intuitively, the warmer the stored CO2 is, the more severe the refrigeration will be, unless you heat it after the first stage of expansion.

Dan Broaddus 

    I could have taken my frustrations out on H.K, but this would serve no purpose.  None of it is his fault.  He did the best he could, within the framework of his position, and training.  He did not claim to have understanding he lacked, nor did he transfer me.  He tried to find the info, and failing that, asked the people who should have the answer.  Instead, I shared with him the knowledge that I had been lacking, but had since gained.  I will also share this post with him.  Now he knows more, I will better remember, having explained it, and the next colleague who asks the question of H.K. will have it answered then and there.  All we have in life, really, is time.  Saving another fellow human some time is literally saving a small portion of their life.  Win and Win.

    I do not choose the vendors we use, I only advise on the products.  Furthermore, since we are usually buying direct from Manufacturer, or their preferred, primary Distributor, we don't really have a choice on the vendor, anyway.  Our choices are these:

1. Buy it at Tier 1, and we get what we get, as far as service, hoping we are big enough to warrant attention.
2. Buy at Tier 2, and price ourselves out of the market.
3. Don't carry it at all.
4. Buy the equivalent from a competitor, and sell tons of it.
5. Find a smaller, hungrier competitor, and become manufacturing partners, and directly compete with the vendor.

    Options 4 and 5 are my favourite.  In Capitalism, there is no louder vote, voice, or opinion than where we spend our dollars.  One of the reasons I work where I do is that my Bosses have, and continue to choose options 4 and 5.  It's what I call the "Pretty Woman" approach.  We just wanted to buy a nice dress.  To quote Julia Roberts, "You work on commission, right?....  Big Mistake!  Huge!"

    Be on the look out, folks.  I foresee the introduction of a quality, competitive brand of regulator, fairly soon.  In the meantime, be kind to the folks on the phone, and sing their praises, when deserved, but take any opportunity you can to tell their bosses when "FCM Inc." is fucking up.  It is really a lot of fun if you take the time to do it in a thoughtful, and hopefully amusing way.  Like children, if they never hear the word "No", and you continue to reward their poor behavior with your dollars, the FCM's of the world have no incentive to correct their behavior.  If you keep going back, at some point, the fault is entirely your own.  Use your dollars and your words, or accept that you are part of the problem, and stop complaining about getting "Serviced"....at least to me.  I always try to do my part.

Dan B.