OKAY, SO WHAT ARE YOU CALLING "THE TAP"?

       

  I hate the word "tap." And I get it; people aren't going to change. It's the word they have always used. That does not mean that I am going to stop fighting. Just because people keep doing it, doesn't make it okay. Examples: racism, spousal abuse, child abuse, slavery, sex trafficking, murder, using the word "decimate" where they mean annihilate, massacre, or obliterate, listening to Nickelback... All of these things still happen, even though we all know how wrong they are. Consider this an official warning: If you, the Beer professional, continue to use the noun "tap" in  my presence, I will do my best to berate and belittle you, in the presence of your peers and underlings.

     For you non-professionals and Newbies, I can sense the confusion and shock as it falls across your faces. How does this little, utilitarian word envoke such white-hot rage in the heart of an otherwise kind person?  The thing is, some utilitarian words are helpful, such as the word fuck, or taco, or car. Words like "tap", which are overused, sew confusion amongst some already, rather deep weeds. Extracting technical information, over the phone, from a stressed out restauranteur, is already a difficult task. Give them a single word,XZ that they can throw at half of the issues they might face, and you might as well walk in blind.

     When I say the word "Tap" to you, you have a very specific item or concept pop into your mind. The problem is, if I ask the people to your left and right, what they envision, chances are, it will be different than what you are picturing. In beer terms, when a restauranteur,  or bartender tells me their tap is broken, they could mean any one of the following:

1. The faucet.

2.The handle.

3. The tower/dispense head.

4. The Keg coupler.

5. The Line run, generically, as a whole.

6. The entire beer system.

7. The electronic inventory system.

8. The glass rinser.

9. The soda gun. 

10. My will to live.

I hope you're starting to understand the source of my frustration. I'm never a dick about it, to the client.  At least not to their faces, or over the phone. I simply ask, calmly and politely, "When you say the tap, which exact part do you mean?" And then, like a forward Air Controller in a combat zone, I find myself walking them onto the Target. Fully 1/3 of the time, the faulty device within the beer system, is something that I, personally, would never, ever refer to as a "tap".  

The safest thing to do, always, is to call the thing by the name which is least likely to be any other thing. Look back at the words I used. Faucet, handle, tower, dispense head, keg coupler... This is not to say that the individual I am dealing with has the bandwidth, or the spare fucks to give, when it come to providing me useful and correct information. What getting specific does accomplish, is increase what I call the, "Sign my bill." factor. I do my best to explain to customers that, I simply canot carry every single possible part, for every possible beer syste on my vehicle, at all times. I further explain that the more they can help me figure out what may be wrong, the more likely it is I will have what is need to repair it, then and there. Otherwise, they may have to wait for me to drive, and get a part, that I could have brought with me to begin with.

Why did one word get so big? It's because beer has been around for a long time. 200 years ago, on Way draft beer was served, was by throwing a barrel of beer onto the bar, and hammering a spigot into it. This "tap" was both coupling device, and faucet. Either that, or with really big barrels of beer, they would simply remove the top, and scoop the beer out with their dirty mugs and pitchers.  If the place was fancy, they might use a ladle. So, once upon a time, the tap was one single compact item. In our era, we have decontructed this item and separated it by base function. Hooray progress... I guess. 

A few other pitfall words in draft beer are as follows:

1. Air. We do not use air in draft beer, except in two, very specific scenarios. The first is, compressed air that is clean and dried, may be used to power pneumatic beer pumps.  This is acceptable because the air which drives the pumps never touches the beer.  The second place is at a backyard kegger, where the entire keg of some inexpensive swill is going to be consumed before morning. Usually some light lager, or redneck staple, whatever the brand, it is rather unlikely that any of the partygoers will be wanting any of it in the morning . Air ruins beer. While you and I are aware of this, as professionals, there are corporate numpties and restaurant management imbeciles that overhear this word, and take it literally. Wherever you wish to use the word air, unless you are speaking very specifically about actual air, please train yourself to use the word gas. Even if you do mean air, it is still a blend of gas, so you are still correct. We don't wish to encourage bad behavior..

2. Stout. People use this word to describe all nitrogenous beers.  This is because Guinness is considered to be (incorrectly) a Stout Ale. The truth is, most ales we drink, regardless of color, are NOT stouts. A Stout Ale is any strong ale, typically with an ABV of 6%, or more. This quickly became associated, specifically with porters, and then later, was generically used for any dark strong ale.  When Guinness popularized nitrogenation of their Guinness draft, developed in 1959, it became so powerful a brand that it is considered to be the Standard, in the minds of people who enjoyed other Nitro beers, as well as other dark Stout porters.  The fact of the matter is that Guinness Draught, as well as most of the Nitro beers which are popular, are not technically Stouts, and many of them are not Porters, either. My evidence lies with Boddington's, Old Speckled Hien, Sam Adams Nitro White, Guinness or Sam Adams Nitro IPA, and probably 50 others.  Most of the things happening in Nitro, these days, are neither Porter, nor Stout.  Some are not even Ales.  It is best you simply call them Nitro beers, or if you want to sound fancy, like the hyperbolic Tool writing this piece, call them Nitrogenous beers. 

3.  Water bath. This is a term people will use, generically for any chiller. This can be confusing, because some chillers use an ice Bank chilling method, while others use a solution of propylene glycol. There are also brine solution chillers, dry chillers, and passive methods like Iced Chill plates or Coils.  In fact, in North America, water bath chillers are fairly rare, and are usually on either very small, or very large systems. They are quite common in Europe, bit are slowly losing ground to Glycol systems and On-demand, dry chillers. 

4. Gauges: (This is for Alex at Rochester Store Fixtures) This often abused noun is generically thrown at gas regulators, and sometimes, at everything in a walk-in cooler. A gauge is a measuring device. The one or 2 dials with needles are gauges.  The body they screw into is a regulator. We call the collective a regulator, because that is Its job.  The gauge tells you what the regulator is doing.  And since a regulator will still work without gauges, and is the active item, it wins. We don't call a central heating system a gauge or thermostat. If anything, we call it a furnace, because that is the heart and soul of the Beast. 

   At the risk of sounding a bit preachy, specificity is the soul of narrative.  We have a wonderful and rich language, at our disposal: so, crack a book, eh! Build a vocabulary. If you don't, and you get the wrong part, you get no sympathy from me. 

Dan Broaddus. And please, comment on anything you like.